dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
