How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
someone owes me an orgasm
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
