they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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