What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Randomize
