i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
There was a lot of him and a little penis
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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