cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
