I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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