i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
