I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
