we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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