the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
She needs sedatives and a leash
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
