Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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