the condom got lost in my hair
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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