there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
