I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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