Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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