that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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