Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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