The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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