I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You don't make any sense
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