So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
