I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
