I'm pants shitting drunk right now
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
