I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
