im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
