Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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