I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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