I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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