I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
