I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i love accidental penises.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
