Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
