he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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