I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
