She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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