So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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