Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
