I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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