he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
