There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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