Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
