Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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