I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
