I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
