just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he shaved USA in his pubs
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
