So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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