Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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