i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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