Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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