Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
