It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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