Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
